just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I think i got beer on your cat.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
