Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
