you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
