So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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