everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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