the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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