You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
