I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
jump out the window naked night went bad
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