I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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