just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
