Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
