I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize