i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
