im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
