My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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