I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize