i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
