If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
