Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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