i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
