what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
