I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
