I wish I only lived at night.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
