highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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