new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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