I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
