better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
