you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
