Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
