My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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