I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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