So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
