I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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