You just made me feel so damn special
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
