theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
