my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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