Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
