More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize