She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm too high and old for this...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
