I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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