My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
4 words: hood of his car
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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