Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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