is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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