hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize