About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
