found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
