I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
