i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
His nipple licking is glorious
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