I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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