dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
