you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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