Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
