Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I am one with the molecules
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
