I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
