I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
