last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
