when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
