mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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