Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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