Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
