There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
