Nicole vs. Life
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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