I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
