Who did Billy Mays play for?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
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